I am fully aware that I am not the first person to move overseas with two little kids, but it didn’t make it any easier. It wasn’t just a move, it was a move of our first family home. First real home, first home of my own, where I have spent more than two years – six to be exact. Both me and Lukas agreed that it was the longest time we have ever spent in one place since childhood.
In those six years, we have managed to create the most amazing community. One that I never knew I needed and wanted, but loved with a passion of a thousand suns. All of our neighbours that have become such good friends, the kind of people that were five minutes away and available for company and help. The kind of people that made me shed tears when we hugged before leaving. People that had the same outlook on life and even if they didn’t, they did not judge ours. People with big kind hearts, who treated their kids with respect. We left home where we have been part of communities, not just in the neighbourhood, but also our yoga, pottery, paddling and golf, and that’s freaking hard to leave.
There were several reasons why we have made this decision and we knew that this had to happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. I had a lot of doubts and for the most part felt like I was doing something I desperately didn’t want to do, even if our move is going to be limited for a couple of years. When it did finally happen I felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.
From a lot of people that have moved back to their homeland, I often hear that they came back to their roots. They fell right into what they used to know and reconnected the friendships as if they’ve never left them in the first place. I don’t feel that way because not only I don’t have many friends here, I never managed to create any roots as I moved abroad when I was 18 and never really came back. Even during my childhood I spent several years overseas. People say that beginnings are always hard and it’s never easy to leave. I told them that it never used to be, I moved from one place to another and quit jobs to start new ones without a moment of hesitation. There was a time in my life I thought I was addicted to new beginnings. This was the first time that it was a truly hard decision.
The last month was tough, despite wanting to enjoy the things we soon wouldn’t have and wanting to spend time on the beach, we were of course packing, selling, moving, giving stuff away and finishing all other administrative tasks -like finally smoking the last grams of my Christmas present. It was non stop and it was full on. There was no time to sit and contemplate, in the last few days before giving up our first family home, I was starting to panic that there is just not enough time to do this all. All the while trying to keep the kids rested, fed, watered and somewhat dressed.
In the end we managed to move out with great help of our friends and a professional cleaning company. We spent the last few days in my friend Lisa’s garage still sorting our stuff out. Despite having to clear out our whole life, we pretty much moved with about 150kg (including three bikes) on the plane and just a couple of boxes sent through a normal post. Really not a lot at all. I am also very proud to say that we have managed to find home for about 80% of the things that we could no longer keep. There was very little that we had to throw away. We had to travel to the airport in two cars. The journey was not fun, what made it bearable was the fact that it was eventually going to end. I think Seby was uncontrollably crying for at least the last two hours on the flight and pretty much the whole car ride home. He spent probably 20 out of the 24 hours in the carrier, in my arms or just sleeping on me. I have arrived a walking corpse. I was not surprised when we all went down with covid in the first week.
Over two months later, I still haven’t found peace, I still haven’t found a stable point in life to focus on.
I have been avoiding a lot of conversations, meetings, chats and phone calls, not because I don’t care or because I am too busy.
It’s so hard to answer questions that ask whether it’s beautiful to finally be among family, whether I am settled in, are the kids happy. I want to say yes to all of the above, but I would be lying. I am not the kind of person to fear change, I think change can be great. It’s actually a great comfort knowing that everything is just a phase. I am struggling to find positives in this particular change. I am sure that only time will tell, I am sure that things will get better. For now, please don’t make me repeat fake positive statements just so I don’t sound so depressing.