This week I have started about 17 times.
Elizabeth Gilbert says that keeping in a state of perpetual misery to be able to create is a myth, your creativity can and will come from your happiness. For me whenever I am feeling down is when I am drawn to writing. I will write when I am happy too, but it will never have the calling, the urgency.
I am longing for quiet. Literally a quiet environment, a total peace as well as quiet in my head. Slowing down. To a completely standstill. But I can’t.
Starting right now, I will be strong.
And I will until the next breakdown.
Then I will keep going, but I don’t just want to keep going. I want to enjoy the moments again. I want to start living my life again. I want to have things to look forward to again. I want to laugh on the inside again. It’s a state of mind I tell myself. To quote my, now extremely annoying, yearly planner: I am in control of my own happiness.
Starting right now, I will be strong.
It doesn’t work this time, just like it didn’t work last time. It just goes a little deeper still.
Emotions are on a roller coaster. Except this time around the roller coaster does not make it up. The roller coaster keeps going downhill and plummeting towards Earth’s core for a definite explosion. Or maybe just a slow burnout. When the very last light gets extinguished.
Starting right now, I will be strong. I am trying, but I can’t light it anymore.
Afterword:
I think I have been pretty honest about this year (not 2021 but literally the last 11 months or so) being kind of shit. Not just for me but for a lot of people. I am feeling a little bit better and I do now believe that things will turn around. I just want to say that Instagram stories and photos are not reality. Yes the photo itself has happened and yes the moment was there, but it just doesn’t tell the full story. And whilst I might be fortunate in some things, it does not have to be true for everything. Every now and then I get a message from some of my friends in Europe or ones that I haven’t seen for a while saying something like: from photos it looks like you’ve enjoyed it, looks like you are loving life on the beach with your family once or twice in the last few months, I have been told I am an inspiration. Sometimes reading the longer text is necessary. I keep writing for different reasons. First – I genuinely enjoy it, second – it helps me sort thoughts in my head and keep memories and third – I love to release the information into the universe. When I keep reading through my old entries every now and then, I can tell that I have always tried to be genuine. Mental health is a topic that you come across everywhere these days. When I was talking to my friends about what was happening, I used words like, feeling down or on a verge of feeling depressed. Now that the fog has lifted, I know that it was an issue. I am just glad it got sorted relatively quickly as I had some dark thoughts. I tried therapy, but it just felt pointless. In the end it turns out that in my case it was a “chemical disbalance” and now that I have got rid of the anemia, or am on a track to get rid of it, I can see things much clearer. I just want to say these times can be hard. Not like we are at war hard, but we cannot see our loved ones hard, we cannot travel hard, we raise family on our own hard or we lack the words to express how we are feeling hard. So if you are maybe feeling like you are on the verge, don’t let it go as far as I have, book for the therapy, talk to someone, or like in my case, have your blood checked. Don’t just cry every time you start driving because it’s the only time you are alone. The end of my twenties has easily been the hardest time, so come on thirties, bring it on.
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