It has always been a smooth sailing for me. I barely had to make any choices. Finished high school a year earlier than all of my elementary school classmates. University wasn’t as fun as expected, still passed every single exam on a first try. I decided I want to travel, decided I want to do charity, decided I want to climb Kilimanjaro and learn Spanish and I did. All of the above. I wanted to work in oil. It took me time, it took me all of my power to establish myself in a country that wasn’t mine but I did it. Through and through I always thought I was a good person. That it could never be in my power to destroy another person’s life. Selfish and self-centered maybe. Always searching for what’s best for myself and I. Who isn’t this way today? I have made the decision to follow a boy that I thought I loved. Again the decision was purely selfish, thinking I can live in the culture, that I can learn another language. That I can take holiday from reality.
Unfortunately reality dawned on me as soon as I arrived in Italy. I knew it would be hard for somebody so independent, but I thought I would make it. I didn’t. I packed my bags and yet again wasted another flight that I bought and never used. I managed for a few weeks and travelled home. I can’t describe how much I have enjoyed the month at home. It was like a paradise, like the true holiday from reality. It was everything I could hope for and more. After such a long time I had more than a week for my family, for my mom, for my little brother, for my best friends. For the real friends that know me so well. From road trips to cycling trips, to daily runs and parties. Last thing I wanted was to go back to Italy. The decision was there to be made. For the first time in my life. So I made it. Two days before I was supposed to leave. Another booked flight – gone. It was without the doubt the hardest thing I ever had to do. One that I hope will turn positive in the long run and not just for me.
It’s not so long that I wrote the post called Southern Love
“I have decided million times and changed my mind million and one. I have asked, I’ve thought, I’ve contemplated. I discussed I obsessed. I wrote publicly, I wrote in my diary. I was angry, sad, and hopeful, in love and hating. I still don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. They say to follow your heart; I don’t know which voice is which.”
The doubts about the relationship were unfortunately always there. And I knew I couldn’t overcome them in a foreign country. When I have made the decision and my friends and colleagues slowly started asking me if I am going back in Italy, I had to tell the story, I heard: I think you made the right decision, I always knew it wasn’t the right thing, I could have told you. I wish somebody really told me before I took it so far. I only wished that I did let him go that day at the airport when he was leaving for Florida. But I was suddenly alone, suddenly felt like I couldn’t make it… just so selfish.
So I drove to Italy with my mom to pick up all my stuff. It was just the worst thing. He was so handsome as he always is, such a gentleman who helped me with all the boxes that were in the flat. In the flat that I chose with the antique chair that I so wanted. How can I come to terms with this? How can I become a good person again? When I wanted to hug him for the one last time he told me to say whatever I want but to never touch him again and that he will hate me as much as he loved me and that he hopes the same thing will happen to me. He might be right. They say that everyone should have a broken heart at least once in their life. I try to tell myself that he will be happier without me. With somebody who has no doubts. There should be no doubts in love.
Now the true story. The stigma.
Few weeks ago my best friend asked me what my passion is, do I have any goal at the moment? I saw the wonders in his eyes, the expectation, the hoping. The fact that I would always cheer him up with my positive attitude and a plan. The girl with a plan. I said that I don’t know what I want, with whom and where I want it. The disappointment was evident. Things will turn around, he said.
In the last two weeks, my passion and my desires came off the country road onto a german highway. I have no plan, I have no hopes for the future, I have no self control and self preservation in me anymore. All I can remember is the beginning of the Egyptian Sinuhet where the famous Nefernefernefer has the power to seduce man in such way that her name cannot be only said once but three times because they would love how it resonates in their ears. They would fall in love with her so deep that for a brief moment of passion they would abandon all sense of responsibility. This is how I feel. Everything I have, everything I had, every single thought that accompanies me throughout the day, everything that I am is his right now. It’s the thought that I wake up with and one that I go to sleep with. It’s an inexplicable desire that I never felt in my life. Suddenly nothing else has any meaning. Any doubts – gone. My famous fear of commitment – gone.
Is this what love feels like? Because if this isn’t love, I don’t know what love is. I know one thing, I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I suddenly hear the word forever and it’s not foreign to me. I suddenly want to do something that makes somebody else happy. I want to ask what his thoughts are. It’s maybe a little bit crazy. Also crazy difficult. It might have a happy ending, but it also might not. We only have a month before he leaves. Then again when it’s easy it’s not worth it. Everything can change. I don’t think the world is sold on doing what you’re told. I feel so right doing the wrong thing. If before I didn’t know what the voice of my heart was, now it’s clear and loud and without a doubt.